?

That's the meanest thing someone has ever said to me

I am Ready

Its a nasty feeling.
Something as nasty as the city sewage.
Awful as the smell of a rotten body never recovered.
A feeling so strange, you'd make your self sick.

The feeling of guilt.
Has caught up to me well.

I feel it lingering around me all day long
Ready to consume me
What have I done to deserve this now?

Account me guilty for
-Lying
-Cheating
-Deceiving

These things are not me; this is not who I want to be
I know I have the ability to be a good girlfriend
I know I can treat someone so well
I am ready to put my past behaviors behing me
& be the good girlfriend I know I can be.

Re-do

Halt!
Love isn't here anymore.
I feel it
No more
That feeling you once gave me

..Ill never feel it again;
From you atleast

Love lives. Elsewhere
Too cold to step out and go searching
So as I sit here & wait for it to come to me
I hope you realize that you've lost a great thing.

I've learned that you can't change a person
No matter how hard you try...
I've been trying for a while
& look where it landed me...
A slut will forever be a slut
Can't change her to a house wife.
(Not saying your a slut)
Just an example.

There's nothing left to do
But look for love in other places
I can't change what you've become
Thou not a day goes by
I wish we can undo
What we've done to eachother

Questionaire

Sometimes I

Imagine my self dead
Laid out on the floor
Stabbed up.

Never to return again
Because Ive sinned.

Who Am I

To deserve any of this
God has put here.
Why would he want someone
Like me here?

Who Sent Me

& why would they want me here
Im not doing any good
Maybe Im suppose to do bad
Maybe I don't have a purpose
Maybe my purpose is something
minor, maybe i'm just here
I'm just another life

When will this END

I am ready for this to be
over, I hate it here,
the air stinks, the people
suck, I wanna get away
Take me away from here

PLEASE!

Do you ever

Do you ever?

When your alone
Think of me

...As I think of you
All day long. for no apparent
reason, knowing you should be
the last thing on my mind.
feeling like im cheating
myself because your
not and im wasting
my time thinking
about someone
who doesnt
think
of
me

Do you ever?

Want to see me again
Like I do

Everyday wondering
what your doing
if i should hit you up
and meet up real quick
just to see you
because i miss you
then i think
i have to be strong
its the only way things might work

Do you ever?

Think you made a mistake
Wasting your time on me

Although our time has taught
us a lot in love
Do you sometimes feel as If you wasted
your time, with someone as self fish as me
Someone as mean as me?
Someone who loved you so much they wanted to hurt you
Do you sometimes regret the day you met me?
Our first kiss?
Our first fight?
Do you wish it was all a dream
So you can rewind your time
& give it to someone who actually deserved it.
I don't, but do you feel like that sometimes?

Life lessons

As I sit her and feel guilty


For the things
I've done to you
Its starting to make
Sense to me

I've learned that
you cant change
someoone, no matter
how much you love
them....


In order for them
to change, they must
realize it on there own
They must want to change
and then they will
for themselves not anyone else.

I have no choice but to let go
and i am truely tired
of trying to change
someone who is not
yet ready to change..

Title-less

So this must be the
first night I ever
shut my phone off

Thats how you know
im feeling extremely
bothered.

Stressed out.
My mind leaves
me in strange places
I swear it does

Why even think
If all the does is stress
things out.

Someone told me
I will loose my prettiness
over stress.
I laughed in his face.

How could be say something so dumb
but hmm it sounds so true.
That kid is dumb

how so...

just when i feel like im done, finished, through with you
i find myself wrapped in your arms again
not knowing how i got there
just enjoying the moment
happy that im there.

how is it that
i always find myself right back with you
im weak
and
i
know
it
im in love
& i know it..
what am i to do

i wont ever give up loving you
i just wont
i cant
its a personal choice
its just something i wont do

this will be an on-going battle
because im not backing down
im here
& i will fight this fight
until the end.

until im dead.
i will fight for you
until im dead.

one love story

he knows not of you
though sometimes i slip up and speak of you
he says whoo?
im like never mind
just someone i use to know

he goes oh, you loved him
i respond yes, i loved her.
my one true love.
but that has died.
& theres no hope of finding a love like that again

he claims hes never been in love
i believe him.
our emotional connection is beauty
ive got him right where i want him
in time i will devour him
like ive been
show him the true feelings of love

how committing love can get
how aggressive love can be
how empowering he will feel
yet how low love can be
ill stand by him
ride till the end
but once he says he loves me
im out, never comin back again

truth be told

i am bearly breathing
and i cant find the words
to
describe
how
horrible
i
feel
right
now

if only you knew
how much this break is bothering me
sometimes i feel like your done with me
your just trying to get over me
you cant and you wont
well atleast i hope so
i need you with everyday that goes by
you are my everything
you were everything i ever needed
now i can stand alone
but id rather stand with you
i shine brighter with you
i need you
i want you
to be here
to hold me
to love me
forever
like we promised eachother
so
long
ago

it feels so long ago
that ive seen you
spoken to you
held you in my arms
felt the warmth of your body against mine
feel your heart beat against my body
feel my finger tips on yours
i miss every second of it
& it just hurts my head
to think that your sharing any of it
with
someone
else.

it sucks.
i cry all the time
all day long
walking down the block
for no reason
or just because
i don't understand why things happen the way they do
life is so short
why be stressed out like this
all
i
want
is
you

my life wont be complete without you
ill wait a lifetime on you
i swear i would
im sure i can love another
i choose not too
i wont waste my time
because i know
it wont be the same
it wont be as great
and even though we treated eachother bad
your love was the best love i ever had
the only love i want
only love i need
only love ill give forever for
i love you

vertical horizon

shes everything i want
everything i need
everything i ever think about
all the time

its always something new
a new feeling all the time
now i feel as if im going crazy
i know im in love
and it hurts
i wanna break free of these feelings

you are the reason i dont sleep at night
im always thinking of you
i know you dont think of me as i do of you....
why is this so hard, i love you
i just wished you loved me
im ready to be everything you need.
i swear i am
we are suppose to be
i feel so weak
because i know in my heart
this is were i need to be
with you
you are my life.

ahh

....they say everything happens for a reason
there must be a reason behind all of this..
it just doesn't make sense.
i find myself so far down in my thoughts
i get caught up

i just dont know
im loosing it..

1 of many

I can't stop thinking about you
I don't know why.
It's not as if this is new.
Is just I keep thinking bad things.

Like what if something happens to you or me
& we're like this.
Not talking.
Not together.
Non exsistant.

I hate this so much
It's so hard for me to move on
I've tryed.
So many people want me.
And to be honest
I don't want not one of them.
I know what I want.
I won't allow myself to love someone else.
Love won't even look this way
Because of what we've done.
I feel disabled to an extent
I look like I'm okay
But deep down only I know the pain I feel
The same shit I feel
Till this day.

Not a day goes by I don't think of you.
This will never change.
This is the impact you had on me
Watched our videos yesterday
Bought me to tears
I wanna be back that way
I'll give anything for that feeling.
I swear I would.

Why even bother being here
If all I want is not ready to let me in
Running away is not right
Sticking around hurt is?
I dont know what to do
When all I so desire is you
You claim its not our time
We bout to end on some sick shit
Some sick love shit
Some Romeo and Juliet drinking poison
Typa shit.

Ugh

smaller
how do you manage to make me feel smaller
&
Smaller
Everytime

We do this all the time
I dont understand
Dont think I ever will.

I wish I could just disappear
Not having you
I dont even wanna be here.
Things aren't the same
This situation is misunderstanding
Forced to let go
Is one of the worst feelings in the world

No one will ever know
Not even you
The pain I feel
Of course this is real
I hate it
I hate feelings this way

Last night

I feel horrible...
Not because I'm hungover
But because I disappointed myself.
I disappointed my mother.
I lost control
I did it to myself.

She trusted me and I broke that trust.
I was suppose to be good
Why the fuck did I drink so much.
I got caught up in the hype...

Before I knew It I was throwing up
I hate when that happens, usually I feel better
After I get it all out but not this time.
I felt so dizzy, I just wanted to lay down
I didn't care that there was people in my house
I just had to lay down
Shit was moving to fast for me...

I went to my room and passed out on the floor
Around 3 o'clock my mom comes in my room looking for me
Cause niggas was playing the music to loud.
She woke me up
& Said, your okay, tell your friends to leave and go to bed.
I felt a little at eaze, but I knew you was mad.
I knew she knew I was done off.
& I know thats why she didnt ohdee on me.

After they left, the back room was filthy!
Gum on the carpet, spilled drinks everywhere.
Ashes on the table, I knew I couldn't clean it up then
That meant I had to wake up early and do it.

It was the best sleep of my life
I was knocked out!
Woke up at 9 to clean up
But didnt get off the bed till 10
My mom helped me clean up
& she said my friends cant come back again.
She told me she was disappointed in me
I should have never gotten so drunk in my own house
With "friends" around me

She knows my struggle with friends
She tells me all the time
Everyone is not your friend Petrill
Stop letting these people fool you

Friends around me ain't all friends.
They pretend to be and take advantage of me.
I realized last night this lifestyle aint for me.

I'd rather be laid up watching movies all weekend.
All this party, smoking, drinking...
That's it
It's dead to me
I'm checking into rehab
I gotta change me

RE: one sided

So I said since I analyzed it from my side, let me see if I can see this from your eyes.

This bitch came into the relationship cheating
She had a boyfriend and I was so into her
Ready to be with a woman
& experience this new side of myself;

I liked the bitch so much I let her treat me like shit
I stuck around cause I really felt something for her
Not knowing her heart was in other places.
She wanted to explore, be venturous.
But she didn't want to leave me.
She dragged me around for so long

Until I got tired of it
I couldn't control myself, I had to have it
So I cheated on her ! Not knowing she would find out
And when she did ----Sheeeeeshhhhh
I did the same shit back to you
Kind of childish but fuck it!
I felt better
You not knowing made things better
I had a secret.
1 to your many

Oh yeah this is your side
Let me stay on track....

Oh but not only did I cheat on her with a girl
I did it with a boy too & fucked around with COUNTLESS other people
From then we should took a break
To me thats where It shoulda eneded.
But we kept at it, kept going.

Finally started fucking you
Thought the fuckry would stop
Unexplained naked pictures
Phone calls to other people
Not being able to answer my questions
Not wanting to chill with me
Making up excuses....

I knew you was cheating on me
and i stayed.

The last time was the worst
I think thats what fucked me up the most.
How the fuck you cheated on me
AHHHHH lets not even speak on it

I was good to you even though we had our times
I was tooo fucking good to you
Wish I could go back
I'd beat ya ass eveyday
If I knew shit would turn out like this
Id cheat on you everyday for the pain you caused me

I was fucking while we was together, true I sent naked pictures to other people before I sent them to you, I still loved you, I know you loved me too when you cheated so why did we cheat? I was happy, totally happy with you until the fuckry started it didnt end, now look where we are, I can't do this no more, I wanna go back and do things right, I wanna love you right, I was just as wrong as you, allow me time to forgive you and be able to love you, I know I KNOW you were made for me, I know I was made for you. This heart this new heart beats from the blood that flowed in the old heart, that means this new heart is strong and pumps even harder for you, hates you even more but wants to love you more than even, if only you knew. I fucking love you.

One sided

Fuck that bitch! RAWWWWWWWW
Yeah Im on some disrespectful shit!!
Im about to go so hard, I bet you you'll cum
When I'm done wit ya ass, you'll never wanna see me again

---I'll hold the victim role
Yeah, Im that selffish, Now watch me slaughter you

For 2 year, 2 YEARSSSS
yeah you know...
You witnessed it.

You cheated on me, so I did it back
Lied to me, so I lied back
& Lied harder!
Cause I loved you more
A love so strong now look whats its done.

Broken for good, broken forever.
Maybe sometime again
Give me about 10 years
This is just that kind of love.
A love I wont forget
A lover I will never forgive
A feeling that wont leave me.
You will always be my first true love.

The fucking bitch who stole my heart
Broke it and ate it, Dont worry
Ill never forget you
You will always be the cheating, lying bitch I fell in love with

Fuck our relationship
& no I wont take that back
Im not trying to break you
Im just sick of it

Your suppose to be changing
Bitch your the same. You still do the same dumb ass shit!
You may question where all this hate is coming from, honestly I dont even know myself
Its cause maybe I thought we'd be back together but its not looking like it
Cause you continue to lie, you continue to keep in touch with me
You CONTINUE TO LEAD ME ON like im one of your bitchs or something
BITCH, im badder than you. FOULER THAN YOU
ILL BREAK YOU 10 TIMES HARDER
Ima strong bitch, step down for no bitch
Selffish yesssss you know it.
Ill keep at it

Maybe if you was more like me you'd understand
I don't hate you because your not with me
I hate you becasue of what I've done to you and Im too selffish to hate myself
Why not let it out on you
You was all I knew
It was so hard for me to get over you
But now that I have
I can go in on you all day longgggg
It's a hobby of mine
Roast Amber cause she broke my heart
Once, twice COUNTLESS TIMES.
And I always came back to your dirty ringworm ass

It was always something with you
Too many friends
People end up liking you
You tell me one thing
And end up doing the next
Talking bout you ain't with nothing
Not knowing YOU WAS WITH EVERYTHING

LETS GO CHEAT ON TRILLZ
Send me naked pics: bling bling bling
You like that shit
Fucking gay bitch
I HATE YOUUUUUUUUUUU
Its not even a joke

It's just the way you are.
You wont ever change
Who am I to think you would change for me?
Why did I even think I mattered that much to you
Sheeshhh, Im tired now.

Im going crazy

& you wonder why I always shit on me
Why Im always so god damn mean to you
You started to make me feel bad so i eased up
But now im about to go hard!

Fuck you tell me shit for
Then turn around & do the opposite
Bitch you the same asshole I met
51507 I wish I could take that day back

How do you continue to hurt
We not even together!
Argue all day long as if we were
WHAT THE FUCK!
I just can't
I
Can't
Do
It
No
More!

Fuck! I WONT DO IT NO MORE
I deserve better!
Bitchs hitting me up talking about oh the say you
With some big black ugly bitch!
I dont give a fuck!
That just looks bad on me
Sorry you had to down grade like that
Sure she may dress a lil better than me
But fuck that bitch got on me?
I was ya wife
I know I have your heart!
I better have that shit forver
Cause when the time comes...
Ohhhhh When that time comess...

Im chew that shit up
& spit it in your face
The way you just did mine
Last night
You spit all in my face.
Fuckin dumb ass broad

& This is where the bipolar kicks in
I love you so much
You made me so mad
I had that you say one thing
and do the other
I hate that you havent changed
I hate that I know that you wont
I hate that I'll always love you no matter what
Knowing you wont change
I cant take this no more

Need fi rise up the bolt action
& dun it
I dont wanna be here no more.

Freewrite 11-3-09

Dont worry about me

Ill be fine

Just think of me

Think

Of

Me

Often

Think of me all day long

Like when your with her

& you should be with me

Think of me when you see random shit

like

-29

Think of me when you hear music

Think of me when Iris comes on

Think back at all the time

We

use

to be

HAPPY

All the times we made love

All the times you made me cry

All the times I was yours

& you were mine.

You still are mine!

Naw, I need to let go

Your no longer mine.

Someone else's.

I just hope you treat her like you treated me

& the next treat her worst than you treated me

Because I deserved the best

& your best that you've given me

Was straight up bullshit

Now that stink shit lingers in me

I wonder if you was good to me

Maybe I would be able to be good to someone else

Like now im stuck

I wont let you out

& no ones coming in

Im loosing a battle

Within myself

Who am I to judge

The feelings I've felt

Love is dumb

Love is stupid

I wanna be dumb & stupid

I wanna feel love

Enjoy love

Every aspect of love.

It's so beautiful

It's the truth

Back when we were in love

Honestly I dont know why this is so hard for me

It's been months now

& I can't get rid of you

Your everywhere I go

Everyone I talk to

I don't know son

Sometimes I just feel so dumb

Save yourself

Why do you bring someone you love down.
Tell them mean things when all you really wanna say is I love you.
Cover up my feelings with words
Bad words, act as if I dont care
But I do care...
It bothers me more than you know
..Think about you everyday
Wonder how your holding up
I know you can be strong
But I act as If I dont care
I dont want you to know..
That I still care
Sometimes I wish I didnt....
It hurts too much to.

Now we can go days without talking
I like it but i hate it
Im stronger now
I know you know it
You say it almost everytime we speak
"Your stronger now, you dont need me"
But sometimes I wanna go back to
Needing you everyday
Its safe to say I don't.
I only need you once a week
Thursdays to be specfic

Soon It'll be once every 2 weeks
Once a month
Once a year
Until I never need you
Ever
Again

Harsh? Naw
Truth to us of whats coming to us
We were suppose to be together.
Maybe we need to hit rock bottom forst
Hmm.. Almost forgot we've been there for so long
So where do we go?
Where do we go from here...

Tuffy

Stop cry'n

Tuff'n up!

Turn those sad songs off

What are you so upset over?

A girl?

Is this what this is about?

Her again...?

What did I tell you about stressing yourself over ANYONE!

You are too beautiful, too good to be cry'n over anyone..

Now wipe those tears

& tuff'n up

Look me in my eyes

& tell me you'll be strong

Like all those other times before

Just act as before

Things are not different

Do you know how many people deal with the things that you do?

Your no different

Your screw'd like all of `em