The last of my lies.

Threw your eyes, who am I?

....who am I? To who you want me to be.

Some days I'd rather not be bothered with you

While others I thank God I found you.

My self fish acts come into play.

Every day that goes by I want you to myself.

I don't blame myself.

I blame the events I've been through

that lead me to feel as needy as I am.

Blame me not for loving you.

Because I swear love is all I have for you.

I just wished you understood the high you bring me to.

Never wanna come down.

Never wanna let go

Never wanted to love this strong ever again.

Just one glimpse and I can read you

I know you care.

I know you love.

I know you hurt.

I know all these things

Yet and still I can't find it in me

To put my feeling aside.

Love me not.

Forever.

Find myself loving you way too much

It hurts me when I can't see you.

When I can't hear you.

When I can be with you every second of every day.

Words don't even need to be spoken

Because I feel stronger just walking besides you.

Its not a matter of being mad.

"It's me, its not you."

My self fish-ness always defeats me.

Never bigger than me.

I'll never understand the way I make me feel.

I'll blame you not.

You have your spot.

I love you beyond my control.

Blame me not.

Still don't believe it

....Do you ever stop to think about how your life would be if one day you woke up without me...?

.......my mother asked me the strangest question on the ride home from work.

No, cause your going to be here forever i thought in my mind.

Wrong thought at the wrong time.

I still don't believe what I just heard.

Best of friends since elementary school.

I don't quit know exactly what drove you away

but we were apart

& now this and all I wanna do is hear from you.

I wanna hug you

& let you know that I am here.

I was always here.

Life is too short to hold grudges.

Life is too short to not be friends with your best friend.

Although everything happens for a reason

Life is so uncertain.

I love you

& I'm here.

I am my mothers daughter

I can't stand to look my mother in her face

Knowing all the pain I cause her.

You know all my life I hated when she told me what to do

Always got mad when she said I can't go out

But it wasn't until today;

this very day

that i realized that

every single thing

she told me to do

was for my own good.

I can say it now because it was this very day.

It took this day for me to understand what a mother does.

The job of a mother is not an easy one.

"I will do anything for my children"

Not what I thought I'd hear from her mouth

After I told her the most hurtful news I ever had to deliver.

I swear I wanna be better.

I swear I need to be someone.

I need to start listening to my mother.

It took me 19 years to see that she was right

All this time.

I can't stand disappointing her.

I just wanna make her proud.

How am I suppose to do that when I continue to do bad.

She says she feels like I don't love her

and I don't trust her,

& I always lie to her.

Honest to God

I'm scared,

I'm scared to come to her with the truth

I don't want her to be ashamed of me

I don't want her to not love me

I don't want her to regret having me.

It took me 19 years to realize that I am my mother daughter

She will always fight for me,

Always love me

& always want the best for me.

Mommy told me to stop pleasing friends

Do whats right for me,

Those words never use to mean anything to me

Until today.

Today is the first day I listened to my mother.

I know in my heart that I can't keep disappointing her

I can't keep stressing her.

I can't keep failing myself

Mommy I love you

I trust you

and I'm sorry

I hope one day I can be the women you raised me to be...

With everyday that goes by I try to make sense of my mistakes

I don't want to be wrong anymore.

I wanna do right by you.

Because in the end

Where are all my friends?

I look around and theres no one left holding me

but you..

my dear mother.

Free falling mah G.

so many emotions

in such a short space in time.

how did this come to me?

...i just wanna be here.

i wanna be everything to you.

let me be the one you come to

when everything is not all right.

i wanna make it right.

i wanna look into your eyes and make it right.

i just don't wanna be wrong.

venture my mind

discover emotions you'll never refind.

falling for you was never the task at hand

now i find myself trapped within my own mind.

questioning the doubts..

cant get you out!

don't wanna get you out.

if i tell you what i wanted

i'd probably be wrong.

why is this so easy?

why is it that i feel myself falling for you

wanting you

just wanting to be near you

hear you

feel you

on my neck..

you like it there...

i like you there

you bring me a feeling so familiar

yet so new.

got me craving you

like can i have you?

______?

what are you doing to me?

your all i think about

your all i want...

i wanna kiss you so bad.

i want you to see me for who i am

i wanna understand every aspect of you

i just want all of you

i come to you open hearted, open minded.

my attraction shall fail me not.

you have become something meaningful to me

allow us to grow

never push me away

because no matter what

ill always be here.

tho apart of me is scared to admit it

i don't know what this is

but i refuse to fight it,

i hope you don't think im crazy

i usually don't get like this....

maybe....

could it be....

possibly...

i think im falling for you.

Gasp (now complete)

Bittersweet lies

Deceive the eyes

of the reader..

Lead me on you heartless whore,

you know you just wanna fuck me.

I'm just a bad girl

Stuck in this bad world

Bad habits that I refuse to drop

Lead me to make bad decisions

That set me up for a bad life.

Badd life.

Life is bad.

Steer me away from me

Turn me into the person you want me to be

You love me but you want to change me.

I need me to change,

Change is free

Yet so hard to obtain.

I wanna be better,

I wanna do right,

but no matter what I just keep doing wrong.

The devil.

He lives in me.

The corrupt corners of my mind..

lead me to believe....

that theres no other explanation

other than the one just mention

Satan is alive

He reins me.

Daddy, your drunk.

I always hated when I was out with my friends

and I got a call from my mom, usually before any of my fun starts

& she's telling me to come home because you we're drunk.

I would* always come right away

because I believed in the fear in her voice

when she mermered over the phone

I just had to listen.

But as time when by and I grew older

and gained a better understanding of my family

I realized that I hated when that happened

& after a while I didn't wanna listen to my mom

....when you said "come home".

"baby come home, your father is drunk"

......but mom! i just got here

"just come home, he will yell at you, you know how he gets"

She was right.

I do know how he gets.

How can someone... a father get like that towards his wife... his kids.

I'll never forget my sisters screams

"Daddy your drunk"

"Daddy your drunk"

It was always weird because my father isn't the type to apologize

So the next morning would be totally awkward

Because he would just act like nothing even happened

...but in reality a lot happened

...a lot of internal hurt happened

Threw my daddy's eyes.

To a father from a daughter

Who am I?

Daddy who am I?

In this big big world

Who am I?

Little I?

Threw your eyes

I see A me

You see me as such a disgrace

A poor excuse for a daughter

And your first at that.

Label me a whore

No lesbian - that fits me better

Get mad & threaten to kill me

Never apologize or feel remorse

& expect things to be okay?

Do you even care?

Or is it that you care so much I don't see

because for as long as i could remember

you never seemed to care

you never seemed to show any emotion

towards anything

Daddy who am I?

Threw your eyes

Who am I?

loving you was never easy

Loving you was never easy

I put in hard emotion, trust, blood, sweat & tears into us

How did we amount to nothing?

Time? times to blame.

loving you was never easy

i gave that shit my all

& when it was time to flush that shit

i never wanted to see us go down

never wanted to hold down the handle

never wanted to wash my hands of the

residue you stained me with.

even though that shit hurt like hell

i loved every second of it

and i want it back.

i need it back

because without it my life seems so meaningless

loving you was never easy

because through it all

i was there

taking the hurt

thinking it would be a gain

you moved on found a new love.

i never moved on

i will never love another again

these words i swear

my heart mind body

will not let another

make its way....

Still loving you

Im sorry I neglect you.

I only run to you when i need to vent,

but listen up..

I am an interesting girl. I have a lot to offer the world

& with my mind and my power, I wish to do so

You see.. the difference between me and you is that

you do your own thing, i do mine. This is mine.

Some may not understand how I choose to go about things

While others play the understanding roll but at the end of the day

I will not change for anyone. I feel like I proved myself to myself tonite

and thats why Im left with no one but myself tonite

& forever beyond tonite, because i was myself

& released myself.

I will never stop loving you. Let me just put that out there.

For her and any other girl to come.

I didnt come this far for no reason.

I dont understand how I can feel so strongly for someone and not be able to be with them

Beyond the worst feeling

Love plays games

Love is not our game to play

Because I bypassed love.

I over love you

& not to sound crazy but I wont stop till I have you

Why are you putting me through so much pain?

Seeing you just seeing you it makes in insane

I think back to all the times...

All the hate i felt inside

To turn around and become friends with the enemy

Inunderstandable - & i know you will never get over her

as you say you will never get over me

but i feel the need to say it

i love you

it makes me weak to hear me say it because im honestly dying without you

everyday is hard

finding someone to match up and compare to the love youve given me is a major task

i dont know why im still loving you..

7 tweets

the lies he tells wrings in my ear like a bell, too loud to ignore, too hurtful to feel real, the pain that he cause is uncontrolled by me

go! leave is what they say, but they don't understand... they dont know the dare thing that keeps me near, be it not love, flee.. runaway

i will run & run & run until i find myself back into your arms again, thats where i belong, allow me to be a prisoner in your arms..

hold me there forever, keep me near forever, be with me forever, stay true to me forever, love me & only me forever.... FOREVER -

forever doesn't exist, love is a mental build up that will soon dismiss, disregarding all feelings that was ever there, love is nothing but

A piece of shit... the piss that comes out my vagina when ive had enough to drink. it gets flushed down the germy toilet where it is G O N E

forever. G O N E, forever.

What have I done?

Can't stop thinking about what I've done

Although your not here

I still feel wrong.

Don't need to hear anything from you

Because I already know.

I don't know why I always have to learn the hard way

I should have listened

But because things weren't going my way

I took matters into my own hands

& I did something dumb.

I made a wrong decision...

I'm not asking you to forgive me

I'm not asking for a second chance..

I'm not asking for anything...

I just wanna apologize for wasting your time..

You deserve better than me

It took this though

For me to realize what I had

What I will never forgive myself for...

I'm sorry I'm such a screw up

Most of all I'm sorry I disrespected you

& hurt you

You gave me your trust

& I broke it

I'm sorry I'm so different

But just like the rest of them.....girls

I'm sorry, I didn't mean for this to happen to you.

You don't have to come get me from work no more

Or call me trilla anymore

You don't have to hold my hand in public

Or throw me off you when we hear my mom coming.

You don't have to tell me stories till I go to sleep

Or tell me how much you miss me anymore

You don't have to come see me

Or explain anything to me...

Anymore

Because I fucked up

I know I was wrong

& I did it to myself.

I'm sorry I hurt you

But most of all I hurt myself

Because now I have to be without you...

This keeps playing in my head

"She didn't destroy you, she just helped you realize that you deserved someone better"

Paint-less color

I can paint a picture in my mind
A picture with absolutley no color
Yet a picture so divine
With beautify you've never seen.

Witness my art
My paintless art
My colorless art
Flaw full art

To some they see
Others may not understand
To you, you are
The art in which I paint
Each & every day

I see you everywhere
& the images in my mind
Are not black, white, or grey
But colorless art
Full of emotion & fear

I wish you could see
I wish you all could see
Art goes beyond colorful paint

You see my paint is clear
& I paint the beautifulest things
To me, because I see
To you.. maybe not

I want you all to see as I see
Art is beautiful
It can be anything
It can even be unseen
Like the arts that I paint
Everyday...

When I close my eyes & dream

You said I was EVERYTHING

Superficial feeelings
Bubble & boil
Like a hot pot
Im ready to bubble over

....There's something I need to let you know
Something I've been hiding for sometime now.

Im unsure of weather I want you to know
But latley...
Only latley
I've been feeling the urge
To just let go & let you know...

Put my pain into words
...Theres not even enough words
Or words worth them meaning to how powerless I feel.
A feeling no one loved should feel
But yet & still
I felt that feeling
Every second of everyday....

Somedays I amaze myself
With how strong I can be

&& somedays I disapoint myself
because I cant seem to get you out my mind
Somedays I try to forget you
While other days I know it is impossible to ever forget you...

I just don't understand how is it that we got to be this way
I wish so hard sometimes that things could be different.
I will never feel this way for anyone else
I know it
I dont need to search
I dont need to find any one
or anything...

Because there is nothing in this world
that completes me more than you do.

I think about it all day long
It's just something I know
This feeling is permenant

I wish you weren't such a lovely person
Maybe then I wouldn't love you this much
For this long...

I just feel like I'm wasting time.
Going around in circles
...endless circles

I've learned to not need you anymore
No doubt im more independant
But no one will ever understand
Not even you
Exactly how strongly I feel for you.

My one heart
Will always beat for you.

That's one thing I know wont ever change.
I love you.

One cold day

Let me reign your heart;
_Recapture your soul

Those were the days...
The times I now long for
Take me back to the days when loving you was right
Loving was you & me

Cease me not;
Of this on going battle
I will fight till the end
For what I once had.
What I'll forever miss, won't go!
Not like this.

Beg to differ?
Let me propose a deposition
Deprived of your love
My life has been weary
Desolate...

Emotions flee, Emotions pollute
Capture my mind
Devours my heart

Murder me, why don't you
Why don't you see!
Full blame goes to you!
Grant me this chance...
Allow me to fight for you!

_De-send a flare upon me
Illusive behavior is unnecessary
Assure me that it is me that you want.
Too much time has already been wasted
Facetious
Artificial
Fictitious
Feelings.........




................got me feeling......
PERPETRATE !

Count me guilty.
Not for loving you...
Not for caring when I'm not suppose to..
But count me as one more girl..
One more girl seen to the world
As a teary eyed soul
.....mistreated my Love

Adapt your ways
Alert your heart
Prepare your mind...

For I am coming!
I AM CHARGING
FULL FORCE
NO TURNING BACK.
This battle is soon to be MINE
I won't give up
Not this time.



Love is a battle
& I'll put my life on the line....

bipolar syndrome

2nd to N O N E
let my words penetrate you
feel what i feel
you are my playground
& im having fun!

1st come 1st serve
thats been the way it goes
but let me say 1 thing
i will not settle for less that what i deserve!!!!

i refuse to be the next girl!!!!!!!
i was there first
loved you first
loved you the most!!!

I DONT GIVE A FUCK
what you think
yeah ill be that selffish indian bitch!!

YOU DONT KNOW WHAT YOU PUT ME THROUGH
"i cant wait to hate you"

naw but ill never hate you
always loving you
forever wanting you

just the things you do
with or without knowing
they just bother me
not as if you care
you shouldn't
don't.

The perfect imperfection

day by day my heart grows fonder
i don't know why when our lives are halved ;

through it all, i think of you
day & night my heart craves you;

furthermore you are not whom I see
the very same girl twixy use to be

time has come & time has G O N E
time will last but time is lost

a major factor to who I may be
loving you is endless
its such a sad mystery

i will never know
the world will never recognize
others will never understand
how & why
we came to be
so resilient

bend me
break me
fold me
mold me
i will remain
in my comfort state

between the lines
I pray that someday you will find
That everything that occurs
has a reason.... with time.

too much time can burden that bird
too little time can trigger that owl
who am i to be
anyone but who im suppose to be

always rejecting myself
wanting to alter my flaws
one thing will always stay true
one thing will always be genuine
one place you can always run too

this one heart
this one mind
this one soul

patiently awaits you
my perfect imperfection
the world will never know.

love

why couldn't you treat me right
why couldn't we just be happy

something so simply said
yet so hard to accomplish

"all i've got is nothing without you"
now all im left with are these photographs
& vivid memories of me & you

hand in hand
day by day
fight or no fight
we was together
because i loved you
and you loved me

something i say almost everyday
but love is just a word
love is just a blind game
love is just the power that keeps us separated
how is that love?

starting not to believe in you anymore
all you do is cause me pain
pain is not what i need
not what anyone needs
so why do they* put up with it?
is it that serious?
i guess it is because
i myself will kill for love.

You dont know hurt

For a long time I had to suffer with the pain of getting over you

Countless nights spend crying over you

Listening to music that we magically made love to

Writing out a whole text message and not sending it because I knew

I knew I wouldn't get an answer
& if i did
Which I always did, because you never had the balls to ignore me
The response was always controversial


&& in order to not argue with you
I just didn't bother.
It hurt so bad to hold my true feelings for you in
Telling me you want to pursue someone else
& you'd appreciate it if I let you be...

How can you ask me to let you be?
I thought I was your wife
I thought I was number one
You told me I was forever
& all of a sudden you met someone new
& request that I simply let go
& leave you alone

SMH
I keep remembering the last events.
You going to Cali and me wanting to see you before you left.
SMH
Disaster-R-us
Or that day we argued and you wanted me to leave
Not knowing back then you wanted me to leave so you could chill with her
SMH
You fucked up
How can you be so cruel.
Lucky you at least you moved on
At least you found love again
At least your not stuck on me
Like im stuck on you.

Sexual Connect

He's addicted to sex
I always want it.
We sort of mess..

Every time we together
He can't help but keep his hands all over me
& I don't mind because I like it
I like feeling he gives me.

Kissing on my neck
& touching on my back
While Im moaning in his ear
& grabbing on his arm.

Shirts come off
& his skin on mine
MMMMmm
Sends me on a wild ride
My body tenses up
& my center gets moist
ready for whatever
& here he comes.

Takes a while but finally were one
up down high low
until im done
then it locks up
& lets no one back in
drys up
& stays shut

Every time I see you
I want you to tear my clothes off
& tear the pussy up

You do it the best
And although your not my boyfriend
I swear you need to be
cause the loving you've given me
got me falling all crazy.

Wild ass sex got me coming home at 7 in dha morning
Sweaty ass backs ; biting my bottom lip
Begging Trilla I want more;
You always keep me satisfied
Sexually at least;

Sex so good I couldn't go to sleep
without blogging about this

Sex so good got me tearing
Sex so good ; i got a permanent glow
High off life
His sex is so good

AAS

=] i cant stop smiling!

If only you knew
me..
The real me;
Though we haven't been talking for long you know me
But you don't know me..

I am not the type to fall so quickly
Especially sense Ive been hurt
But I don't know what it is
Something just clicked
& I think I'm falling for you...

I think about you all day long.
Wait around all day for you text.
When we talk on the phone I get nervous
& anxious... its weird.
When we are together I want things to be right.

You bring back an old feeling
Something so new
A feeling so fresh
A feelings I don't want to loose...
I want to explore this
& see how far we can take it.

You say it almost everyday
How much you like me and want to take me seriously
I can give you that chance
With time

Because as of now
I am honestly crushing on you.