The last of my lies.

Threw your eyes, who am I?

....who am I? To who you want me to be.

Some days I'd rather not be bothered with you

While others I thank God I found you.

My self fish acts come into play.

Every day that goes by I want you to myself.

I don't blame myself.

I blame the events I've been through

that lead me to feel as needy as I am.

Blame me not for loving you.

Because I swear love is all I have for you.

I just wished you understood the high you bring me to.

Never wanna come down.

Never wanna let go

Never wanted to love this strong ever again.

Just one glimpse and I can read you

I know you care.

I know you love.

I know you hurt.

I know all these things

Yet and still I can't find it in me

To put my feeling aside.

Love me not.

Forever.

Find myself loving you way too much

It hurts me when I can't see you.

When I can't hear you.

When I can be with you every second of every day.

Words don't even need to be spoken

Because I feel stronger just walking besides you.

Its not a matter of being mad.

"It's me, its not you."

My self fish-ness always defeats me.

Never bigger than me.

I'll never understand the way I make me feel.

I'll blame you not.

You have your spot.

I love you beyond my control.

Blame me not.

Still don't believe it

....Do you ever stop to think about how your life would be if one day you woke up without me...?

.......my mother asked me the strangest question on the ride home from work.

No, cause your going to be here forever i thought in my mind.

Wrong thought at the wrong time.

I still don't believe what I just heard.

Best of friends since elementary school.

I don't quit know exactly what drove you away

but we were apart

& now this and all I wanna do is hear from you.

I wanna hug you

& let you know that I am here.

I was always here.

Life is too short to hold grudges.

Life is too short to not be friends with your best friend.

Although everything happens for a reason

Life is so uncertain.

I love you

& I'm here.

I am my mothers daughter

I can't stand to look my mother in her face

Knowing all the pain I cause her.

You know all my life I hated when she told me what to do

Always got mad when she said I can't go out

But it wasn't until today;

this very day

that i realized that

every single thing

she told me to do

was for my own good.

I can say it now because it was this very day.

It took this day for me to understand what a mother does.

The job of a mother is not an easy one.

"I will do anything for my children"

Not what I thought I'd hear from her mouth

After I told her the most hurtful news I ever had to deliver.

I swear I wanna be better.

I swear I need to be someone.

I need to start listening to my mother.

It took me 19 years to see that she was right

All this time.

I can't stand disappointing her.

I just wanna make her proud.

How am I suppose to do that when I continue to do bad.

She says she feels like I don't love her

and I don't trust her,

& I always lie to her.

Honest to God

I'm scared,

I'm scared to come to her with the truth

I don't want her to be ashamed of me

I don't want her to not love me

I don't want her to regret having me.

It took me 19 years to realize that I am my mother daughter

She will always fight for me,

Always love me

& always want the best for me.

Mommy told me to stop pleasing friends

Do whats right for me,

Those words never use to mean anything to me

Until today.

Today is the first day I listened to my mother.

I know in my heart that I can't keep disappointing her

I can't keep stressing her.

I can't keep failing myself

Mommy I love you

I trust you

and I'm sorry

I hope one day I can be the women you raised me to be...

With everyday that goes by I try to make sense of my mistakes

I don't want to be wrong anymore.

I wanna do right by you.

Because in the end

Where are all my friends?

I look around and theres no one left holding me

but you..

my dear mother.

Free falling mah G.

so many emotions

in such a short space in time.

how did this come to me?

...i just wanna be here.

i wanna be everything to you.

let me be the one you come to

when everything is not all right.

i wanna make it right.

i wanna look into your eyes and make it right.

i just don't wanna be wrong.

venture my mind

discover emotions you'll never refind.

falling for you was never the task at hand

now i find myself trapped within my own mind.

questioning the doubts..

cant get you out!

don't wanna get you out.

if i tell you what i wanted

i'd probably be wrong.

why is this so easy?

why is it that i feel myself falling for you

wanting you

just wanting to be near you

hear you

feel you

on my neck..

you like it there...

i like you there

you bring me a feeling so familiar

yet so new.

got me craving you

like can i have you?

______?

what are you doing to me?

your all i think about

your all i want...

i wanna kiss you so bad.

i want you to see me for who i am

i wanna understand every aspect of you

i just want all of you

i come to you open hearted, open minded.

my attraction shall fail me not.

you have become something meaningful to me

allow us to grow

never push me away

because no matter what

ill always be here.

tho apart of me is scared to admit it

i don't know what this is

but i refuse to fight it,

i hope you don't think im crazy

i usually don't get like this....

maybe....

could it be....

possibly...

i think im falling for you.

Gasp (now complete)

Bittersweet lies

Deceive the eyes

of the reader..

Lead me on you heartless whore,

you know you just wanna fuck me.

I'm just a bad girl

Stuck in this bad world

Bad habits that I refuse to drop

Lead me to make bad decisions

That set me up for a bad life.

Badd life.

Life is bad.

Steer me away from me

Turn me into the person you want me to be

You love me but you want to change me.

I need me to change,

Change is free

Yet so hard to obtain.

I wanna be better,

I wanna do right,

but no matter what I just keep doing wrong.

The devil.

He lives in me.

The corrupt corners of my mind..

lead me to believe....

that theres no other explanation

other than the one just mention

Satan is alive

He reins me.

Daddy, your drunk.

I always hated when I was out with my friends

and I got a call from my mom, usually before any of my fun starts

& she's telling me to come home because you we're drunk.

I would* always come right away

because I believed in the fear in her voice

when she mermered over the phone

I just had to listen.

But as time when by and I grew older

and gained a better understanding of my family

I realized that I hated when that happened

& after a while I didn't wanna listen to my mom

....when you said "come home".

"baby come home, your father is drunk"

......but mom! i just got here

"just come home, he will yell at you, you know how he gets"

She was right.

I do know how he gets.

How can someone... a father get like that towards his wife... his kids.

I'll never forget my sisters screams

"Daddy your drunk"

"Daddy your drunk"

It was always weird because my father isn't the type to apologize

So the next morning would be totally awkward

Because he would just act like nothing even happened

...but in reality a lot happened

...a lot of internal hurt happened

Threw my daddy's eyes.

To a father from a daughter

Who am I?

Daddy who am I?

In this big big world

Who am I?

Little I?

Threw your eyes

I see A me

You see me as such a disgrace

A poor excuse for a daughter

And your first at that.

Label me a whore

No lesbian - that fits me better

Get mad & threaten to kill me

Never apologize or feel remorse

& expect things to be okay?

Do you even care?

Or is it that you care so much I don't see

because for as long as i could remember

you never seemed to care

you never seemed to show any emotion

towards anything

Daddy who am I?

Threw your eyes

Who am I?